i'm swamped. 
so many people
so many
so busy

you came back to me.

that thursday, i could not have ever guessed 
that
by monday i'd see you
and i'd hug you
and. you. hugged. me. back.

i think

i know

i want this rebuilt. 
slowly.
but surely.

we both are going different ways
in the same direction

but
i know i'll see you again
i'll most likely see you a lot.
what are the chances that we'd get two classes together.
=)

i know this will work
things won't be like old times


they will be better. 

be patient. 

Nov. 26th, 2007 at 11:44 PM
""i basically live at Avery's house now
i dont exactly know how it happened or when it happened
but i absolutley love her, more than anyone else
she's my best friend
i miss her so bad when i'm without her
i plan on keeping her,
(i know. a friend i'm actually keeping for once)
but she's different from everyone. she's a lot like me.
but an improved version of me =]
college is going to be amazing <3333"


really 
it still hurts.
it breaks my heart, a little. i changed the rooming. I did it. I pulled the goddamned trigger. not her.
but why did she abandon me for two months??????
without a word?????

let's just call it a conundrum
i hurt you
so
you hurt me
communication severes and we're left without answers


we'd been planning to room together since the end of eleventh grade
here we are now, and we are not.

someday
but not this first semester...


i dont know if she even wants that anymore...

...we all stack the deck.
 when the carpets taken out from under you.

i lost someone, something, an idea, a representation of me, if only skewed.

you didnt mean everything to me
but you did meant a lot.
 
no one means EVERYTHING
think
is that not a ridiculous endearment?
meaning everything and all
no,
that's a sign of youth
the passion, the fevor, the friends-til-the-end-of-time

bullshit
everyone grows the fuck apart
its kind of a delirously funny sort of thing.
also, in its morbid light.
its exhilirating

i replaced you
shes nothing like you.
so easily
so smoothly
you slipped out my life
i slipped out yours
its a mutual end

funny

it took no-you
to realize
theres so much more of me that
i didnt know about
ive discovered
i work a room
i talk to everyone
i can connect with anyone

yeah
i am actually charismatically outgoing.



you will find
its all right here
right in you
i've found happiness
of the purest and most striking kind
right here..

because
i'm not as close to anyone as i was with you
i'm not
held back now

i see
now
there's something about
me
its a curse
its an anomolay

i will always fascinate, i will always be something that remains
unparalled...unusual...or as you said, before you forgot you love me.
i am
deliciously individual

was this what kept you around even when we fought?
its got to be.
i tried to be something else then

i lost you
in my lies.
i unfurled them all.
but we were dead before the ship sank
ironic. how that term fits.


all i wanted
was what i have now.
i'm incandescently happy
i wish you were here.
you brought ME here.
you deserve to see from above this all.

but i know
you will carry on as if i never existed
happy
healthy
lovely
beautiful
caring
amazing
eccentric


to spite me.
despite me.

baby, me too.

omyghad
talk about change in time
i can't remember. i don't remember.

this
so whyy am i here? 
cause i always use to vent here
(here and in Mike)
so why not keep with tradition?

tried and true methods 
yep

so i'm a senior now
summer has gone away, taking its late nights and hot rain with it
now i have only the
fucking cold
i see my breath now, mixed with my ciggarette smoke

happy november

school's taken a lot of my time
it's almost over
then college

i basically live at Avery's house now
i dont exactly know how it happened or when it happened
but i absolutley love her, more than anyone else
she's my best friend
i miss her so bad when i'm without her
i plan on keeping her,
(i know. a friend i'm actually keeping for once)
but she's different from everyone. she's a lot like me.
but an improved version of me =]
college is going to be amazing <3333

hmm anything else
ah. mike, of course.
mike trilling.
i love him. so bad.
we're closer than i ever intended to be with another person. i gave in. 
where we go from here, we'll wait and see..

so.
now.
i'm better than i've been in awhile

i'm so far from lonely
its good
but god its scary 
to be this vulnerable

but i'm in good hands.

they love me.
more than i've ever been loved.
=]

so i'm now what you'd call

platinum
blonde

no lie. view the myspace.

i get bored, i shift shapes.

this is just another part of me

tommorrow i'm going to kare's to hang out with her, Zac and Avery. They haven't really seen my hair yet. This shall be fun.

hmmm

ah you,
my best friend

everything you do for me amazes me
all the love you've thrown down this seemingly bottomless black hole
oh baby, i think we're filling it up now

i have never been this happy before
and it only gets better

erm.
raining all day, literally pouring.
so i watched the Top Chef marathon
(Harold is adorable! :>)
and i read
then i went outside
and got soaked,
listened to my mp3 player,
had a lovely chat with my Mike on my cell
enjoying some cappy-chino right now

i start work in a week and a half.
Mike's safely in his apartment in florida, in college. he and kristie want me to come visit.
going to charleston friday.
i've been writing a sprawling little 1408 fanfic
that i actually don't hate
not writing it out of fangirl-ness
(although Cusack's a fucking god)
i've just acquired an obsession and a fascination with the Enslin character
i'm natrually drawn to cynical writers and psychological terror
plus the new Interpol CD has turned me into
nothing
but matter and creative energy
skin & bone are meaningless to me right now

it's all slow
and beautiful here
in my little cloud of Interpol, rain, and the matter that's replaced the bag of bones that is my body


how are things on the west coast?

ocasionally, i stand back and wonder how i ever got by then.

those are strange, disembodied times, when i reflect on who i use to be. it's like i'm looking at this stranger, constrained and miserable. hell, even some of the posts to this journal feel foreign.

now
i'm a slave to myself. i'm here to make me happy.

all restraints are off. honesty prevails.

 i'm a libertine. i'm a martyr. i'm a liar.  a deviant in too many ways.
sexually, morally, conviction-wise
i've absolutely no reservations.

to hell with social standards.

i am going to make me happy.


Mike is married. My lovely is an honest man. =>
i'm going to Florence with my Zac and my Avery and Kare Thursday.
Aesthetically, superficially-- things are dandy.

Depth-wise, things are intensifying.
i
love
it.

I'd much prefer just to be the pretty backdrop
than the fugly attention whore.
sweetie, i'm just there for looks.

me?
i got all the love in the world.
and i'm fucking everything you're not.
i'm fucking amazing.


secretly, you want that
yeah
you so wish you were me

Writing writing writingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwritingwriting



Finally.

chelsea intervention? & just what are you saving me from?
am i
unstable? yes. suicidial? no, most certainly not, never, nu-uh.

 life's too tangible, and sometimes i love me.  i bruise, yes. but-

suicide is for losers.

can't i just bawl like the spineless little fuck i am in peace? so it was horrid timing, so i was at lunch, surronded by people.

 what was i to say?
and they all came to me after school.
 i was hugged.
they stared,
avery sent me an insanely sweet text.  made me feel sick to my stomach. someone must have forced her to do it.
she couldn't have meant a word of it.

oh chelsea
chelseachelseacheeelseaaaa.

she goes up
she comes down

where will
she
land?

this time

will theyherhimanyone
be there
next time

?


being me hurts
sososo bad sometimes
i don't understand it


i miss mike
i need him so badly right now

i refuse to do this homework
i'll get in to college

no fucking worries.


stop fucking calling my phone at night
they almost heard you
they were with me
i hate you
i hate you bad.
and i'm not beautiful, you fucking liar.

i feel the aftermath of this past weekend. my bruises feel nice, real and sort of hazy at the same time. my thighs are fucked, i have seven bruises just on them.
i like it though.
it connects me to other people
to
wear
their
bruises
something another human being has inflicted on me and vice versa.



i drifted through school, paid no attention to any of my classes, or my friends. i wrote a story on my whiteboard that i was suppose to be doing problems on during Chemistry
erased it
felt guilty.
got home &
I did all my homework this evening.there's a first. i never do my homework.

avery & kararae were worried about me. because
i think i was a bitch today
?

don't remember.

I feel ancient.

We're all going to the party tommorrow. Hoorah.

Today was the dodgeball tournament. That was...different. It took long enough.

An hour into it, half of my friends were reading books and I had my Mp3 player out.

I still need shoes for prom.

I'M WRITING AGAIN!
I'm actually delving into the taboo fantasy world of OCs. Roleplay has got me aching to give complete fruition to Stella.
To the better half of me
To the only part of me that really exists.

So I shall create her life on paper,
as she has lived it, and
as I have dreamed it

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

see. IM HERE>.>

goddamn.
I'm tired.

my prom dress is pretty.


i'm going to prom alone.

2 hr delay?
2 HR DELAY?

is that the best you can do?

huh?

i want the day off. i want snow.
i don't want to finish this stupid lab; i don't want a notebook test tommorrow.
i want sleep.

i want my lovelies
surronding me
if only in my mind
i want my bed and my dreams and my coffee.

i don't want to go to school.
i wanna be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

i wanna go to the mountains, i wanna see NIN live and pass out in a corner, i wanna scuba dive and dance in the middle of the night to 80's music, i wanna laugh and whisper in the dark with friends, i wanna go somewhere new, i want lots of japanese food, i wanna go on a haunted hay ride, i wanna window shop, i wanna sleep in a lighthouse.

tonight, tonight, baby. let's go.

i want to look in the mirror and see that person i catch a glimpse of every now and then all the time. that me that's better than me.

you remind of the babe.

what babe?

the babe with the power.

what power?

the power of voodoo

who do?

you do.

do what?

remind me of the babe.


ahahaaa
bowie is fucking love. and i'm totally fucked, for life.

s'over baybeh.

born from a wish; born from a whim.

born is a monster.



don't die, henry.
cappuchino is good, as is my bed.
coupled with an astounding book.

i'm not coming out until this is all over with.

Yes

"weightless is I ",
Stella smiles;
Diving back, under the waves.

Stella is
I am
a
mermaid.diver.monster &
your wish come true